I divorce the thoughts of you in love with me, I divorce your innocence and my guilt, I divorce the lying sellout confidence, I'm divorcing every mother fuckin' thing I divorce the love bled meaningless, I divorce the makeshift harmony, I divorce the taunting acts of violence, I divorce the pastime of jealousy, I divorce control, I divorce the faith, I divorce the virtue, I divorce the rain, I divorce the excuse, I divorce the greed, I divorce the need, I divorce iniquity in this mother fuckin' bullshit life Just want it all to go away....
i used to find you in this place, the one where our discomforts and aspirations and everything in between found their voice. here in the dark we said everything we felt and nobody needed to hear. here we talked of love, what it had failed to be, what it could be. and as our minds wrapped themselves one tendril at a time around each other they grew into something luscious. we dug our roots in and each tapped the well that was the other's soul, feeding voraciously, and our joy and our hunger for each other only grew. you were my shelter as i was yours. you were the place where i would fall when my fears had utterly broken me, and i was the one who would catch you when you fell, no matter the height. you became for me no longer a means to an end, no longer a reason to want more for myself. my love for you became the hope itself, the thing i screamed to the world any time it would lend half an ear to my rantings. despite all the anxiety and urgency we spoke unendingly of taking time to make things right, to build ourselves into what must be, to avoid all the traps that await those undertaking such a delicate endeavor. but in the dark things move and things grow that are not easily seen for what they are, and only in shifting flashes of light did the picture begin to change. and now even though i see and hear you all around me, though every sense picks up remnants of the one who trumped everything, the substance escapes me. even when you hold me, it is more misery than comfort. the hopes that you had, the ones i did everything i could to feed and nurture, now seem to gain nothing from my encouragement... indeed i take from you nothing but doubt as to whether it meant anything at the time. did you really think i was too good to be true, and did you really just think you were beating me to the punch?
i reach for the thing i saw and it vanishes, reforming again in misty illusions that mock my perception. was this ever real? did you ever believe the way i did? do you still not believe after all you have seen?
and yet... i have come to know that i will never walk away until the vision has utterly disappeared from my sight. despite all the disillusionment and disappointment, i can't find the strength in myself. i have scraped out everything inside me that had any desire to distrust and hate and reject, brought every single impulse to the forefront and aimed them squarely at you, and all my attempts and all your answers have only told me again and again that you are exactly what you seemed from the beginning. so where did you go? how can you be so close and yet so impossible to reach? and why... why is it that it seems you would rather suffer alone than fight this fight together?
i loved you with all my heart, whether you believed it or not, and i still do. i would have gone anywhere with you, for you, and i still would. i would have been behind you in every step of every exploration and growth and understanding, and i would have denied you nothing. and now... you're inches away, all the time, wanting no part of it. preferring, it seems, to cut your own legs off just to prove you can stand without help. still every time you look at me that part of you that wants a part of me is clear as day. it resonates in me and it puts me right back where i always was with you... trembling with tenderness, filled with the desire to give you my strength the way you gave me yours, to fight for something sweeter and stronger that would rise above the mundane and the dishonest and everything else that we reject. and the truth is, until i see something more than i have so far, i will continue to pour myself out for you, because nothing and no one has ever been worth it like you were. and if i accomplish one thing in all of this, it will be to erase all doubt as to who i really am, what i'm capable of, and how real this thing was. so fucking believe it, princess.
“Two years of starving, two years and some days
Two years of spinning in all the wrong ways
Two years of learning but hating the teacher
Two years of wondering when will I reach her
Just seven hundred and thirty-some days
Searching a seemingly infinite maze
Two years of teetering over the brink
Two thirsty years in the desert...
One
Drink
I'm sitting here in the back of my car on Tybee Island, just got out of the water. 1st time surfing in two years and a week or so. And there's no fucking sensation on earth like the first fucking belt after going too long without. There is no fucking comparison. That's all I got to say.”
“With does descending great fear with flame on incadecent(?) terror of which the tounges(?) declared a one discharge from standing error our only hope what else to be scare wise in the chose of fire or fire to be redeemed from fire fire fire.”
Warning... I am slipping back into "frequent self-indulgent contemplative writing" mode. Expect more in the near future. Yay!
Their conversation rolls around the room like a chip shot on a loopy green, careening to one side and then the other. The grass is dry and the words run far, spilling over the tables into the corners of my ears. Road trips, pro courses, the pinnacle of it all - details may stray but the gist of it runs true, eighteen holes of common interest without so much as a putt of self-disclosure. Is this what men are. Is this what class is? Faces like mine and a language I speak well betray nonetheless complete strangers to my soul.
At the last stoplight this morning before pulling into the office, I looked over and saw, sitting next to me at the line, my car. There aren't a lot of us so we notice each other. Of course, we were pretty much polar opposites - black/white, racks/none, kit and wheels and springs and all the attention-whore accessories of my asphalt-scraping toy in contrast to the higher-set family car next to me. She was a neat and orderly-looking gal, early thirties, probably headed to an orderly office to work methodically and appreciatively all day long, while all the underfed teen angst in me continues to pretend its bodily shell isn't pushing 30 and beset with the same obligations that creep upon the rest of us. We had a moment and the light turned. Zoom zoom.
I'm turning 29 on Sunday (jesus what?) and I'm planning on making a shitload of wacky birthday resolutions for the final year of my twenties. Some of them I may take seriously, some I will simply announce with much fanfare in a tyrannical drunken voice to a large crowd of worshippers between midnight and 3AM that day. So I'm opening the floor for suggestions. One day before I get on the road, make your voices heard.
*bonus points if you catch the subject line reference....
“Jo, Mateo(?) just ___ the vacuum cleaner into a bush & tried to vacuum the drive way with it. You might not believe me but then stop & think for a sec. Will I make this shit up, could I make this shit up.”
0. Pre-trip, mom came. Great to see her. My cousin Jono showed up. Even nicer to see him. Stayed up, got shitty playing pool, made up for lost time. Drive down was good, an amusing Cracker Barrel breakfast and various other derailments didn't quite prevent us from reaching Gulfport before my sister Mer landed. Good to see her too. She's looking healthier than I expected. Tim Glassco bought dinner and fed me Jack and coke. Sweeeeeet.
1. Bachelor party in New Orleans - drunk. Eventful but not scary. Made a lot of people laugh. Got a lap dance. Managed not to cheat on Michele. As far as you know. Muahahaha.
2. Wedding. Strange but very nice minister. Smaller but cooler crowd than expected. Sand was dry. Sun was out. Reception became a hasher circle after mom left. Beer and singing lasted till dark.
3. Post-reception... got a mohawk in the hotel room. Dawn watched us consummate through a crack in the curtains! (dirty bitch! hehe) Got shitty in bar. Fun. Next day, I toured the coast with family and girl saw the hashers off.
4. JAMAICA - secondhand everywhere. Huge effort not to become stoned from the air alone. Holy hustlers. Resort was sweet. Private security. Relaxing as fuck. Crystal water, snorkeling, extremely hella. Drank incessantly for 4 days till became immune to rum, vodka different story. Have now quit drinking for indefinite period. Left at 4AM Friday for the airport.
5. Return home - got lucky in Miami. Hopped early flight into NOLA, hauled ass. Made Montgomery around 9. Slept. 2 days ANG drill, got wife registered (mil ID etc), tantalizing possibilities of future assignments. Sunday afternoon, hit some traffic but got home about 7.
6. Last night - COMPLETELY FUCKING SUCKED. The dogs disappeared from Chad's house about 8. If we'd had room, we'd have already picked them up on the way home. We drove over, helped Chad look till after 10. No sign. Went to bed after midnight kicking and tossing and hardly slept.
7. Today - oh my god I don't know if I can do this job. On the plus side, the dogs showed up at the pound, I brought them home at lunch. Muddy and scratched (esp Molly) and tired as fuck. Poor things. Now I shall visit Home Depot and the pet shop (crickets for Pogo the dragon) and get my ass home.
8. Tonight - puppies and little boys, not much else to say. Yeah yeah, I welcome your jokes. You fuckin sickos. I love you all.
Hell fucking yeah! My cousin Jono is sitting at the airport right now and my mom should be landing in less than 20 minutes, at which time I'll be out the door to pick them up. Wedding is Saturday afternoon. 2:00 PM, Front Beach, Ocean Springs, MS. BE THERE OR SATAN WILL EAT YOUR BABIES. 2567240501 for any questions.
Saturday May 26th, matrimony, 2PM, Front Beach, Ocean Springs. If you're reading this, you probably already know you're invited. No rain plan yet, hehe... please wish us luck ;)
sounds like two of our biggest jobs in the middle east are about to tank, the bosses are not too happy... it's all rather mysterious & coming apparently from very high up in the DoD echelons. not sure if this is fallout from the current congressional/presidential budget wranglings or just somebody irked at the corps of engineers, or my company, or whatever... sux tho. bob's not happy 'cause he spent months engineering kuwait and did a damn good job, and would have made the company a couple mil in clean profit, and now we may not collect much of anything for all his work... just time/material cost. i helped with the qatar job a while back but have been off it for months... at least everything i'm involved in is still funded for now. one more reason i don't wanna depend on this industry my whole life....
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